Life On The Edge

All day long I have been reaching up to stroke the skin just underneath my left eyebrow. I don’t do this on a regular basis. Today that area is swollen and is the most remarkable shade of pink. I appear to be the victim of a swarm of bees who didn’t miss their mark. In reality, the swelling and beautiful pink color is the result of my own hand.

I had fallen victim to the creators of ‘product literature’. They always make it sound so simple, as if anyone could do it. I had once again become a victim of their words.

At first it was these cute little plastic strips that are ‘perfectly shaped to fit under and above the eyebrow (their words, not mine). ‘Follow instructions and you will have perfectly shaped eyebrows.’ I am always on the lookout for a good solution to a continuing problem and this sounded too good to pass up. I paid my $4.98, took the box home, devoured the words and voila’ – a big fat nothing. The only way these strips would remove anything, eyebrows included, would be the addition of Gorilla Glue, reported to be the ‘toughest glue on the planet’, and then there is still room for doubt.

So, it was back to tweezing the brows or paying for some cosmetologist to wax the brows for me. The former requires time and patience, both of which I lack in abundance. The latter required time and money, others things I lack. I soon found myself once again reading ‘product literature’ in search of the ‘perfect solution for unshapely brows’ (their words, not mine).

As I dashed up and down the aisle in Wal-Mart, without the remotest thought of my eyebrows, I was ambushed. On the end-cap of the aisle I happened to be dashing down was another sneaky box, with just the right advertising words – ‘simple, no mess, easy to use’ (their words, not mine.) I picked up the box, read the chosen words, threw the product in my cart and left feeling like I had finally found the solution to untamed eyebrows.

My first clue should have been the 10 page, multi-fold, minute writing on the actual product brochure neatly enclosed in the box. No pictures included.

Step 1

Remove lid and place jar on microwave safe plate for heating.

Step 2

Heat for approximately 45 seconds on medium power.

Step 3

Check temperature of melted wax with finger. If product is over heated application of wax may cause burning and/or blistering.

I admit that my microwave is old, but 3 minutes and 45 seconds later the wax in the jar, on the microwave plate had just begun to lose the appearance of a badly molded beeswax candle. I kept trying, 30 seconds at a time until I could actually stir the wax with the wooden application paddle.

When I was sure the wax was heated properly I tested the temperature as directed. It was gooey alright. It stuck to my beautiful nails and hardened before I could make it to the bathroom mirror. I placed the jar back on the microwave safe plate, hit the ‘nuke’ button, and waited again, all the while the wax was becoming a permanent fixture on the end of my fingernail. When once again it appeared to be just the right consistency and temperature I took the jar and headed to the bathroom so I could use the close-up mirror for the rest of the procedure. I took the wooden application paddle, stirred as directed and applied the wax. The wax slid on the space between my eyes, dried within a few seconds and was easily removed with a quick pull. My hopes were up. It appeared that for once the product literature was not misleading.

Next step, spread the wax underneath the eyebrow, let cool and remove as before. I was lucky the first time, so my brave self decided to spread the wax beneath both eyebrows to save time. The now melted, not too hot wax applied flawlessly under the right brow. Keep going girl, you got it now. I took the applicator, dipped it in the wax and tried to apply it under the left brow. It didn’t go on like the last one. It was hardening too fast so I spread it faster, missing the mark by a bit too much. I stopped when I realized that the wax was now covering the space under my eyebrow and the entire middle portion of the eyebrow. I tried to spread the wax but the applicator was now stuck in the fast drying wax. I tried to pull it lose; it held on tight. I wiggled it – it didn’t budge. I pulled – it hung on as if permanently attached. I began rolling it so the wax wrapped around the applicator – the applicator broke. Jewelry from the eyebrow is a fashion statement – hardened wax and a wooden applicator are not. Before things could get worse, and I was sure they would, I snatched the wax from under the right brow. Success, or should I say, half success?

I didn’t even try to look in the ‘product literature’ to find a solution to this. I was still sane enough to realize that I couldn’t stick my head in the microwave to melt the wax, though that thought did pass briefly through my mind. I tried pulling it off the ‘applied area’ but it wasn’t letting go. It wouldn’t come off the skin. It wouldn’t come out of the brow. I reached for the ‘skin cleansing solution’ I use. I dabbed the solution on a couple of cotton balls and wiped the area. The cotton stuck to the wax. I reached for the baby oil. (Did I mention that I wear contact lenses?) The oil did nothing for the wax problem, but it did run into my eye providing a wonderful fog-like coating on my contact lens.

It was going to require brut strength, extreme heat or a blow torch to get the wax off my face. I grabbed a wash cloth, turned the water on as hot as it would go, soaked the cloth and began to drag it across the ever hardening wax. It snagged on the wooden applicator, soaked the cotton ball, and left the wax intact. More heat was going to be needed. I let the water run a bit longer, soaked the cloth and began the process again. Same results. I took the saturated washcloth and walked to the microwave. I placed it on the microwave safe plate still in oven and set the time for 30 seconds. When I opened the door there was steam coming from the cloth. I figured it must be hot enough. I took the cloth and made a quick swipe at my eyebrow. Nothing. Back in the nukker for one minute. More steam, more swiping, more nothing. One minute, thirty seconds. Beep. Swipe. And success. The wax was beginning to loosen its grip. Nuke. Swipe. Peel. Nuke. Swipe. Peel. Over the next half hour, the routine continued. When at last I thought all the wax was gone, I ran my finger across the brow and felt no traces of the wax. I ventured to the mirror to confirm this fact. Sure enough the wax was gone. As was the applicator, some of the skin below the brow and the entire middle portion of my eyebrow. In its place was swollen, irritated, hair free, pink skin.

The wax had accomplished its task - that of removing unwanted hair. It also took wanted hair, wanted skin, and the belief in ‘product literature’. Between you and me though, I’ll probably fall for their words again. It’s in my nature to believe. And would they actually say something that wasn’t the truth? (My words, not theirs.)