Just when I thought I was getting it together and had some vague idea of who I am – WHAM! I found out that I am actually dead. Or at least of what’s left of me is dead.

This realization began quite innocently. I thought I would expand my world so I installed a computer program called ICQ, an acronym for ‘I Seek You’, on my computer. With this program I can communicate with people from all over the world. Once installed, you set up an account and provide whatever information about yourself you choose to reveal. You can give actual data, or you can be whoever from wherever speaking whatever language you want. I log on as Lucy, a 125 year old woman from Florida. I figure is anyone wants to chat with someone who is 125, then they must be safe, or at least they aren’t after sex.

Whenever I’m at the computer, I log on, go about my normal business and wait to see who begins chatting with me. In a relatively short period of time I am IM’ing (instant messaging) with people from around the world. For whatever reason, people from around the world want to communicate with someone who is 125 and knows how to use a computer.

My contact list now includes Anton from Kazakhstan, Paulo from South America, Ahmet from Turkey, LadyEgg from Wyoming, Eva and Anna from Germany and a few others. Most of them speak English, which is good, because that’s what I speak, and even then the words come out with a southern accent.

Whenever a new person requests a Chat with me, the first thing I do is go to ICQ and check out their details. The details will tell you things like, where they say they are from, what languages they say they speak, how old they say they are, special areas of interests they might have, etc. Remembering all of this information is written by the person whose identity you are checking doesn’t really provide you any assurance, it does however clue you in to what they think of themselves, and if it is even possible to converse. If they don’t list English or American as a spoken language, I know that I am in real trouble. Sometimes, even when they do list these as spoken languages, you can find yourself in a confusing state of Chat.

Last week I was IM’ing away with Ahmet in Turkey. He lists English as a spoken language, but what he thinks is English is a far cry from any English I know. My guess is that he is just learning English but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

We were barely into the conversation when I knew there was trouble ahead. I was having the most difficult time with his translations. We were discussing the upcoming weekend and I was trying to explain that I would simply be spending time with family. The conversation went something like this:

Lucy: Do you have plans for the weekend?

Ahmet: Sure

Lucy: I’ll just be spending time at home with my family.

Ahmet: Being connected is having affair.

Lucy: I don’t understand.

Ahmet: OK.

Lucy: Please try again.

Ahmet: Not important.

Lucy: I would like to know what you were trying to say to me.

Ahmet: I to cinema, my friend.

Lucy: Do you use translation software?

Ahmet: No, I learn English on my own. Lucy, you like learn Turkish?

Lucy: Sure. (Wow! A chance to really expand my world even more.) Can you teach me?

Ahmet: Yes. (A man of few words.)

Lucy: Does Lucy translate to Turkish?

Knowing that I haven’t studied any foreign language outside of ‘grandbaby speak’ for over 40 years, and wanting to get a jump on the lessons and prove that I am an excellent and eager student, I browsed over to the search engine ‘Google’ and did a search for a translation site that could help me translate English to Turkish and vice versa. I found one so typed in ‘Lucy’, thinking I would be able to sign my messages in Turkish and really impress my new friend Ahmet. The following is the exact translation provided:

Lucy – the incomplete skeletal remains of a woman found in Ethiopia in 1974.

Not believing the results, I typed it a second time, just to make sure there were no misspellings. Same results. Great. I find out that not only am I dead, but incomplete too. I guess for someone 125, I should have expected nothing more.