It might as well
read, “I, the undersigned do hereby consent and will accept any and every
form of annoying e-mail and telephone call that can be
directed to me using my e-mail address
and personal telephone number. I provide this information to
you freely and knowingly in
hopes of receiving some non-existent free merchandise. I
realize that I am gullible and foolish
for believing that any merchandise is ever delivered from this
scam and accept full
responsibility for my wayward thinking.”
I received an e-mail
the other day that appeared to come from a friend of mine who lives
in
danger. He said simply,
‘hey, go here and we both get a free Apple 4GB iPod nano pretty pretty please :).’
I clicked on the link and was taken to a site where I could
provide the requested information. It
promised to be painless and take only ‘a few moments of
my time.’
Once on the link
page I saw my e-mail address and clicked happily into the first of 2,076
screens requiring user interaction and personal information
such as birthdates, names of
children, addresses, bank account numbers, bra size, and type
of panties worn. What I failed
to notice was the ‘small print’ warning
Before
entering GetItFree.net, please read the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. By
entering GetItFree.net, you are agreeing to abide by these
community guidelines. *To receive
your gift, you must complete a sponsored offer and refer 5
friends who do the same.
After verifying my
e-mail address, a screen appeared where the password to my e-mail
account was requested. It was one of those momentary brain
function lapses, aka an ‘oh s%*#
moment’. The program read my entire address book and
immediately sent e-mails to my
unsuspecting former friends. With no friends left and nothing
else to do I decided to try and get
the free Apple 4GB iPod nano, pretty pretty please.
Completing a
‘sponsored offer’ proved to be more difficult than anticipated. My
choices
were for a cell phone and Big Bucks Per Month Plan, a lifetime
subscription to the magazine of
my choice, an on-line exercise/diet program with guaranteed results
(just look at the photo for
proof), subscription to a coupon club, membership in a
‘get paid for your opinion’ club or
flower/jelly/solicitation of the month club or an on-line
university degree in weed
eradication/self-embalming/party hostess/public scamming
opportunities. I checked the no box
to all of these offers.
I kept trying to
help my friend so I clicked through offer after offer knowing that
somewhere in the 2,076 screens would be something of value to
me. Around screen 2,000 I
saw it. Shown in 1024 x 768 pixels was my dream car – a
sporty red convertible. It was being
offered as a prize in a contest. All I had to do was submit
the best poem to the National We
Haven’t A Clue What Good Poetry Is Foundation, and I could claim
my prize. I was in luck I just
happened to have a poem or two in my portfolio. I open one in
the word processor, copied and
pasted it onto the form, added my personal information,
clicked send and felt my heart skip a
beat. As soon as I clicked send I received a message telling
me that there had been a
“transmission error’ and that I should try again.
I tried the refresh button, same message. Not
believing that the computer had any idea what it was doing, I
tried the refresh button again,
same message. I tried the back button, and was taken
back to screen 1 in the process. I gave
up.
Since that day, I
have received 379 calls from the various University Degree Programs.
My opinion has been solicited on such important topics as
‘do I think mandatory recycling of
19¢ throw away ink pens is a good idea’. My e-mail
in-box remains full and I have received 19
threatening messages from my service provider warning me that
I must empty the e-mail
contents or they are going to charge me for each e-mail over
the limit. My former friends are
supplying my e-mail to every scam on the internet, and I have
begun consuming large
quantities of caffeine trying to stay awake long enough to put
a stop to all of the ‘free’
merchandise I have been receiving. And last on my list is
tracking down the friend in
seems to have disappeared and won’t answer my e-mails.
Perhaps he is listening to his free
Apple 4GB iPod nano
pretty pretty please and has no time to answer his
e-mail.