Testosterone Accident

Testosterone Accident

All Men Are Really Bubbas

If there is one thing that makes all men equal, it’s the love they have for their tools. Tools being anything they use in their work; anything they carry in their trucks; anything they can purchase at Lowe’s, Home Depot or Sears. Men love their tools more than they love their wives, their children, their trucks, and their beer. Ok, maybe not the beer, but more than anything else. When it comes to tools, men know quality, they know a good deal, and their protective genes kick into full drive. They never share their tools and would rather buy one of their own than have to borrow a tool that they will only use one time.

Women want purses and shoes and will go to the ends of the earth and spend exorbitant amounts of money on these items. Men will drive to the nearest Home Depot or other similar store and spend mega-exorbitant amounts of money on shiny tools and boxes to keep them safe. Most of the boxes are located in the back of their trucks and are securely bolted, tied, glued, or otherwise permanently affixed including manly locks to avoid loss by accident or by purpose.

The other day while driving through town, behind a Bubba, as normal, I stopped cursing long enough to see something fly out of the back of his truck. My reaction time had not been diminished by the fervent cursing, and I was able to swerve in time to avoid being smashed by a tool-box from Bubba’s truck. The tool box was not so lucky. It smashed into a itty bitty pieces, flinging the precious tools it held all over the roadway and median. I’m not sure if Bubba was aware of the loss of the toolbox. I’m not sure it his awareness would have mattered.

As soon as the box began its liftoff out of the truck, the sound of cars braking and screeching tires. The scent of testosterone was heavy in the air as verbal shouts and bellows such as yahoo, and get out of my way were in the air. Shoving ensued as Bubba’s seemed to appear from every direction trying to snatch and grab the tools lying scattered on the ground.

If that noise weren’t enough, even more brakes and screeching tires could be heard as normal drivers tried to avoid the melee of Bubba’s and tools. There must be some secret network for passing the word about the misfortune of one Bubba becoming the fortune for the quicker Bubba’s of the world. In less than 3 minutes the area was packed with trucks, big-bellied bearded guys all wearing baseball caps scrounging for tools. It had all the makings of a major accident attributable to testosterone.

Within 5 minutes the local country radio station was broadcasting warnings about the hazard in the area to other motorists – telling wary drivers to avoid that area of town. At the same time it was broadcasting to all the Bubba’s in the vicinity that free tools were there for the taking. Testosterone via the airwaves. It was all too much to handle.

10 minutes later it was over. The trucks, the Bubbas, the looky-loos, and all the tools were history. Some Bubbas went home grinning from ear to ear with new tools. Some Bubbas arrive too late to the scene and went home with only the tools they arrived with. The unfortunate Bubba who lost the tool box – he was never heard from. He made no pleading calls to the radio station. He didn’t return to retrieve his tools or beg the other Bubbas for help. His testosterone level has plummeted. He had been victimized by his own carelessness and could never admit that to any other man.

I am fairly certain that had anyone really wanted to know the identity of the Bubba who created the free-for-all south of town yesterday, he would be easy to find. He would be the one at Home Depot with 2 shopping carts loaded with tools and charge card in hand. He was in desperate need of a testosterone infusion and nothing smells more like testosterone than tools and Home Depot.

Wanda M. Argersinger

2008