Witness Protection Programs for Dummies

Witness Protection Program For Dummies

Stupidity and the act of doing stupid things are alive and well. I have incontrovertible proof of this fact and I enjoy immensely knowing that I am not, contrary to the opinion of many of my friends, ‘the only one who lives a strange life.’

Duff, a co-worker of mine, who is a quiet shy guy, surprised us all one day by joining the downward spiraling office conversation and shared with us an experience he had heard about on the news a few years back. (Call me skeptical, but I have to wonder if this is one of those ‘I have a friend’ stories.)

Duff used to live quite a bit south of here, meaning, he lived in South Florida. Land of swimming pools, eternal tans, and tons of stupidity. That is not a generalized statement about everyone in South Florida, so don’t get all in a dither. Read more and you’ll understand.

Seems one of Duff’s neighbors found himself all alone on a sunny weekend afternoon. DS, as I’ll call him, is a very sexual man and nothing makes him feel his sexuality more than the warmth of the Florida sun and the coolness of water. Being that DS was all alone, he decided he would take advantage of the situation and go for a little dip in the pool behind his home and sun his entire body enjoying the water at the same time. In my neighborhood call that sort of thing skinny dipping.

It didn’t take long for the caressing waters and the warmth of the sun to work its magic on DS. Within a few minutes of entering the water DS was struck by stupidity. Not only was DS now very aware of his sexuality, anyone who could catch a glimpse of DS was also aware of his sexuality. DS, having found himself in this particular situation and having no one around to share his new found joy with decided that he would seek artificial enjoyment.

Swimming pools, as most people know, are equipped with devices to put water in them, circulate water through them, and remove water and trash from them. The input devices that circulate the water blow with great force, pushing huge amounts of water into and around the pool. The out-take devices used to remove the water and trash, work the opposite from the input devices. The out-take devices suck with great force and in normal circumstances have pool cleaning devices attached to them. The out-take device in DS’s pool did not have a pool cleaning device attached to it. DS saw this as fortunate thing for him. This out-take device was exactly the device he was looking for. This out-take device would provide immense enjoyment for DS and no one would know except DS.

Oh, if things only went as planned. As you already know, the sun and water had worked some sort of stupid magic on DS and he had become very aware of his sexuality. He introduced his sexually aware self to the out-take device not completely understanding the dire consequences. Remember how the out-take device is designed to take water and other trash out of the pool? Much like DS, the out-take device has no brain. Anything that goes into the out-take device should be removed quickly and efficiently from the pool. In other words, DS was now stuck with a portion of his anatomy in the out-take device, which was trying to quickly and efficiently remove it from his body and the pool. No need fighting the out-take device. The deed was done and DS was not going anywhere without some help from some person with a brain.

A very long time later that same day DS’s wife returned home to find DS in a very peculiar situation. But being the loving woman she was, his wife took her laughing self to the power panel and turned off both the in-take and out-take devices for the pool. Didn’t really matter though. The out-take device and it’s constant attempts to remove his body parts had made said body parts swell to enormous proportions and he remained firmly attach in the out-take device. Still laughing but with concern DS’s wife called 911 who arrived promptly to assist in the rescue.

The 911 experts were baffled and had to call the pool manufacturers to find out how to disassemble the out-take device in order to remove DS and his body parts. The task was finally accomplished. DS was taken to the hospital. All was well in the neighborhood.

Well, it would have been, had the entire story not been broadcast on the 6 o’clock news that evening. Ok, DS’s name was omitted, but the name of his neighborhood was broadcast for millions of watchers. It didn’t take a lot of mystery solving techniques to know that the only emergency crew was at your neighbor’s house the very day of this incident. Embarrassment doesn’t come close to a good description of how DS felt. His wife knew what he did. His neighbors knew what he did. Hell, the whole world knew what he did. There was nothing left to do but change his name and move to Alaska or some other foreign country.

DS figures that he can’t be the only man who has ever done such a stupid thing. DS has now organized a Protection Program for other stupid people. The newly founded Protection Program for Dummies is available should you find yourself doing stupid things like DS did. The BIG difference in the program DS developed and the one the government uses is, it is the witnesses of the crimes that use the government program. It’s the doers of stupid things that use the DS program. Any witnesses of the acts of those in DS’s program don’t need protection, they just need someone to help them stop laughing. The question I want answered is, who is going to admit they did anything stupid enough that would make them need such a program?

Wanda M. Argersinger

2008