The Intimidator

December 2007

My friend CeeCee called me the other day and told me they are going to play topsy-turvy employee move at her work. She was excited, as it means that she will finally have the opportunity to do the job she was hired to do. And since she has been waiting patiently since May 2000 and something, she says it’s about time.

The strange thing about this move though is that a new personality was born in one of the people who are not really affected by the move. Well, not affected in the actual mover part – but definitely affected by the movee part.

The resident accountant who works with CeeCee is a 5’2’’, petite, blonde, grandmother type who sits at her desk and does her work for 5 or 6 hours a day. She works only part-time and manages to get everything done in those few hours. Granted, some of those hours few people ever see as they are still asleep when she slips into the office before any other traffic is on the road. She is part of management, but for the most part is a quiet, bespectacled, big hearted person. Or so they thought.

You see, Ms. Accountant person shares a rather large office with Carl, The Director of Sales. Carl is a large man with a larger voice. Everyday Ms. Accountant sits at her desk working on her numbers, trying to concentrate while Carl – The Director of Sales takes one phone call after another. With each succeeding phone call, Carl – The Director of Sales tends to increase the volume of his voice. One day Carl and CeeCee were doing phone training with some yahoo with an extremely irritating accent from God knows where whose voice was only amplified when it came through the speaker of the phone. Ms. Accountant person had to try to concentrate and think over the voices of Carl – The Director of Sales, CeeCee and the joker training them. Perhaps that was the impetus for a transformation of huge proportions.

When Ms. Accountant person got wind that a newly hired salesman (note the ending of that word – man) was going to be sitting at the empty desk on the other side of the partition from her, a transformation took place. The quiet, mild-mannered, bespectacled, petite Ms. Accountant person underwent a physical and verbal change that would awe anyone who has every witnessed the same sort of thing when done by The Hulk. After said transformation, Ms. Accountant person now could be called nothing short of The Intimidator.

The Intimidator called the person in charge of the new desk assignments into her office. There, in front of him, Carl – The Director of Sales, and a few others, Ms. Accountant person’s voice grew stronger, louder and deeper. She told all of them, leaving them with no room for doubt that the new seating arrangements now floating on the office rumor mill would not be suitable to her. In her words, “just how in gods creation do you expect me to concentrate on numbers, financials, budgets, personnel, payroll, reports, requests, being neat and the like with two, count them, two sales men yabbering and jawing on the phone the entire time I am at my desk? It’s hard enough to compete against Carl – The Director of Sales, when he gets on his 197 minute phone calls. His voice is large and nothing can be heard or thought once he begins one of his monologues. I’ve heard them so many times I can repeat them by heart. Do you know how difficult it is to try and think over noise like that? I don’t ask for a new desk like you provided for Carl – The Director of Sales. I don’t ask for a new computer. Or larger screen. Or multi-thousand dollar software. Or days off to attend the annual shark rodeo weigh-in. Or trips to conferences. Or special candy in the vending machines. Or book racks in the bathroom. Or someone to get my car for me when it’s raining so I don’t get wet. Or pink paper to write on. Or green tea. Or glass glasses to drink from. Or lunar observance days. Or time off from work to watch the annual arrival of monarch butterflies. Or a day off because I heard the road was closed and I might not be able to make it into work. Or time to shop online for books, and / or maternity clothes, makeup, Christmas presents, download music to my iPod, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Or any other of the million things the other employees ask for. I don’t ask for special treatment. I am here early everyday and work at my desk with very few breaks. And if it should happen that I am here for 6 hours or more, I don’t even take a lunch break.”

She took a breath and the chance was seized. Carl – The Director of Sales chimed in and said he agreed. With that one statement the amazed and glazed looks on the faces of those present relaxed just a bit. The Intimidator transformed back into Ms. Accountant person, and the man in charge of the new seating arrangements had no option available but shake his head and re-think his hard thought out plans.

Strange as it may seem, nothing more was said that day about the strange occurrences in the office of Ms. Accountant person and Carl – The Director of Sales. Both went back to work. Both knowing that there was no doubt that a new salesman would not be occupying any desk within hearing range of that office. They even knock at door now before entering the office of Ms. Accountant person to be sure it is she who is working and not The Intimidator, who by the way according to CeeCee, has not been seen since that particular day.

As for CeeCee, well, when she got home she called me and told me one of the funniest stories about office politics and staff that I’ve heard in quite some time. She did add one tiny tidbit that I feel obliged to share with you. It seems that CeeCee could have told them all they should be wary of Ms. Accountant person. For you see, Ms. Accountant person was one of the people who interviewed CeeCee when she applied for a job there. She left the interview knowing she had blown all chances of getting the job and almost cried from being, in her words, ‘totally intimidated by Ms. Accountant person, who is now one of her closest and dearest friends.’